New ‘Suicide’ Reality Show: morbid genius?

At a press conference last Wednesday, the creators of ‘Pop Idol’, ‘Who wants to marry a millionaire?’ and ‘Survivor’ came together to announce their newest venture, a program they said would revolutionize television and take Reality TV to a whole new level. They then unveiled the stunning idea behind ‘Suicide Island’; a reality show that collects a group of suicidal nitwits from around the world, dumps them on an island full of hard drugs, medieval weapons and Paris Hilton’s debut album constantly blasting from speakers, while millions of viewers watch and bet on who will kill themselves and in what way. The creators explained the statistics behind worldwide suicide rates, and justified the shocking subject nature with “If they do it anyway, why not put it on TV and make them famous before they leave us?”

Another odd democratic candidate…

With the eyes of the whole world focused on the path to the next American elections, there has been heated debate regarding the democratic candidates that the majority hopes would overthrow the current president. To most it seemed quite weak to put as the main contenders Senator Hillary Clinton (an alleged woman) and Mr Obama (a very black man), since either of them, if they win, would be firsts to hold the presidential office. Yet the world was shocked even further today with the announcement of the third democratic candidate; Mr. Suko Oka Sai, better known for his role as the little blue kid in horror movies ‘The Grudge’ & ‘The Grudge 2’. He made the announcement yesterday evening while appearing as a guest on Late Night with Conan O’Brian, where he also denied rumours that he was, in fact, just 7 years old. The actor, who has a serious case of ‘Midget-itus’, only appears to look so young and is actually a seasoned 53 year old with two degrees in International Politics and a minor in French Poetry. The democrats are excited about this new candidate and see him as a possible frontrunner in the campaign.

Starbucks in the Sky

Herald Smallbeans, vice president of the ‘Money, Power & Mass Advertising in Space’ program that NASA had been developing in recent years, finally shined some light on the previously top-secret project. Apparently NASA, in collaboration with McDonalds, Starbucks and Nike, had been putting its full effort recently in launching the first system of Space Advertising. What this means to us is that corporations can actually buy space in the sky, permanent space that will stay day and night, to advertise their products on giant space billboards.

“Through our discussions with these great corporations, we realized that we have been crowding and fighting over Ad space on bridges, highways and television, when all this time there was the wide open sky completely empty!” explained Mr. Smallbeans about the multi-billion dollar project. He went on to announce that the system is almost complete and the entire space station is expected to be launched later this year, with its first products over the US sky to be the aforementioned sponsors of course, as well as Madame Jo’s Quality Thongs and Stink-No-More, a pill that stops compulsive and uncontrollable farting. The Arab branch will launch a few months later over Middle Eastern skies, reportedly with products like GIL underwear, Abou Shakra and Live! Magazine.

Man eats his own Hand!!

Perhaps if more comprehensive results had been published from studies documenting the unhealthy combination of TV + fast food, Alexandrian Ramy Abbas would still have all fingers intact. In the most extreme case till date about how mind numbing current TV is and how delicious yet strangely addictive fast-food is, Mr. Abbas had just ordered a large meal from Hardees and was watching the season finale of 24. He kept stuffing food into his mouth robotically with eyes plastered to the TV when he suddenly awoke from his Kiefer-Sutherland-choking-some-terrorist trance to a strange taste in his mouth and incredible pain in his right hand. Four of the five fingers on his right hand had been chewed down to the bone, and from doctors reports, there is no way he will use that hand again. On a more positive note, Hardees has agreed to pay for his medical expenses in return for his appearance in their future AD Campaign; “Hardees: Finger Eatin’ Good!”