Shakira Concert Victims

A few days before the event, in an impoverished region of Maadi, Mr. George Hassanein was taken to the local police station after having committed murder in the first degree. Allegedly, his explanation for killing his lifelong friend Zaki Nahaas was that he had stolen his hard to find Shakira concert tickets after a gruelling journey to get them. “I do not regret what I did”, declared George, “we never get big stars here in Cairo, especially not a Moza like Shakira. Yestahel ebn el kalb.”

Yet the bloodshed reached its pinnacle on the concert day. After getting his car stuck in the sand while trying to find the parking lot, Ahmad Fahmy tried desperately to dig his car out. A passing by car of youth also on their way to the concert slowed down next to him and laughed and pointed, at which point Ahmad lost it, chased after the car and brutally murdered all 5 inside with his own shoe. Other fatalities that day included Ms. Pakinam Ramzy, who after discovering that the concert was over while she was still stuck in traffic waiting to take that damn U-turn, and after trading her honour for a ticket, committed suicide in the middle of the street. According to spectators, her last words were “Ya sawiras ya 7ayawaaaaan”.

New Study on Egyptian Soap Operas

The groundbreaking new study, led by famed sociologist Dr. Shaheera Zaghlool, aims to shed light on a chicken-or-the-egg kind of situation in Egypt, basically the question “Does everyone in Egypt live in this retarded way because of soap operas, or do soap operas mirror the retarded behaviour of average Egyptians?” The study will find out when were the first two lovers who drank lemonade at a café by the Nile with the young man promising marriage to the girl despite their poor situation and the rich old guy that also wants to marry the girl, who the first businessman was that picked up the phone in a crummy office and said “aywa ya exelance!” while wearing a yellow blazer, and if, in fact, people brake into dramatic monologues for no apparent reason and end it by saying something really shocking like “dee AKEED eganenet!!” before the scene cuts to the aforementioned lovers by the Nile…

CNN reporter discovers Twilight Zone?

Tony McFarlane, junior CNN reporter, made headlines yesterday after announcing his amazing and accidental discovery of a secret path that leads to an alternate dimension. While on assignment in a Red Sea resort off Israel, investigating the mating habits of bisexual fish, his boat had a technical malfunction, took him deep into the sea and then sank. After swimming to the nearest shore, he found himself in a magical place the likes of which he had never imagined; a place beyond time and space, where apparently even the laws of physics don’t apply. He describes it as a place of wonder, where the ‘democratic’ party is not the least bit democratic, where more people turn out for a Shakira concert than to vote, where an emergency law can remain in place for over thirty years, where entire streets can be blocked for hours for every official that passes, and in his most bizarre observation, no one seems to be doing anything about it. Tony was of course devastated to realize that this was, in fact, an already discovered country called Egypt (pronounced ‘E-Jipt’), which had remained off international radars since they last qualified for the world cup in 1874.