World rallies in support of the US after another attack…again.

It seemed almost like deja-vu last Wednesday, as news began breaking about the latest attack against the US, and the entire world tuned in and showed support once again for the poor, poor Americans. In a bizarre coincidence, as halfway across the globe the Iranian government was discussing the ultimatum they had been given by the US; an Iranian student woke up that morning and decided to change the fate of the world. He got dressed, took a bus to Washington DC, bent over, pulled down his pants…and took a giant shit right in front of the gates of the white house. Before he could be apprehended and questioned, he pissed his own pants in an act of mindless martyrdom, yet rumours have started circulating that it was, in fact, the white house guards who pissed on him. Abdallah Abdallah Seif-Allah was thought to be just a regular foreign student at the Washington Institute of Disturbed Extremists, doing well at his studies and participating frequently in drunken student orgies. “I never thought he could do something this horrible…he was just a normal guy!” exclaimed one of his classmates before he barked like a dog and jumped out of the window to his death.

Only minutes after the news broke out, the peace talks were halted, but Mr. Bush was warned not to come home from his vacation in the Alps and face the nation before the giant stool sample had been cleared and analyzed for biological chemicals. Scientists who arrived on the scene claimed it “looked a bit odd.” However, the president immediately gave a press release, stating “this act of inhumane barbarianismisity has shocked us all. Only time can heal the wounds this atrocityness has created. But until the wounds are healed we will send all our forces to occupy Iran, but we’ll definitely be gone within the next decade or so, just as soon as the franchises and contracts are set up.” Following his statement, millions around the world hung American flags out of their window to show support, and no one took a dump for an entire day out of respect.

Egyptian Police Search for Massari’s Testicles

In yet another example of how bad Egyptians are at hosting international acts, RnB sensation Massari was robbed of one of his luggage bags at Cairo International Airport the day before his show. The news came to him from one of his many muscular entourages, who called him as he waited outside in his car, informing him that a toothless baggage handler stole the bag that carried Massari’s testicles. The testicles, they claim, are stuck onto Massari’s scrotum before shows so as people don’t get suspicious about his schoolgirl voice. Sources say that their original removal was the result of a drunken night in Mexico, where Massari also happened to get accidentally married to his own ass at a small church. Police are urging people to give any information that might help, and even went so far as to setup a toll-free number for information: 555-RNB-BALLS. His Penis, they claim, was wisely kept in a different bag and is perfectly safe.

The 1^st Annual Egyptian Gay & Lesbian pride parade

In a brave announcement posted anonymously online last week on the premier homosexual Egyptian blog site, www.shawaaz-fashkh.com, the leaders of the local gay community called for the entire homosexual population to come out of the shadows and walk the streets of Cairo in solidarity, from Tahrir square to Salah Salem. Despite the extreme online excitement from just about every fudge-packer or muff-diver from Mohandeseen to Nasr City, online one (very stupid) man showed up at the meeting place, dressed in a pink bunny outfit. The 42 year old accountant, who will remain nameless, had a sullen look on his face right before snipers in nearby buildings shot him 103 times in the head.