Scholar declares New Fatwas

For the last few months the entire Islamic population has been deliberating the controversial fatwas that were issued by an Islamic scholar. The first declared that a man and woman may be left alone in the same room on the condition that the man breastfeeds from the woman, while the second claimed that it was alright for a woman to fix her hymen after breaking it and not have to tell her future husband. News that the same scholar issued two new fatwas today met even more controversy, with the first saying that it is now acceptable for male Muslims over forty to indulge in bestiality given that the animal has a birthmark on his left butt cheek, and the second now deeming it possible for women to cheat on their husbands, providing that they have an affair with a midget, who must be of Bulgarian origin and have three testicles. With this shocking news, police decided to investigate the scholar, who turned out to have no affiliation with Al Azhar at all, but in fact makes a living directing amateur porn movies under the moniker ‘holyman69’.

A win for Tobacco?

Smokers from New York to Bangkok were overjoyed to hear the results of a new groundbreaking study that actually reported that smoking does not harm the health, quite the contrary. The scientific project declared that smoking reduces the risk of tumours, benefits overall health and may, in fact, lead to noticeable enlargement of the genitals. However, some became cynical of the findings when they discovered that the head scientists were none other than The Marlboro Man and his horse.

Apple announces iPhone 2.0 project

With the first version of the eagerly anticipated iPhone now currently enjoying highly positive reviews, the wonder man Steve Jobs of Apple announced today that they have already begun work on its successor. Version 2.0, which will be released to the world later this year and to Egypt in 2009, will more than shock and awe. The revolutionary new device will not only include the original capabilities of cell phone\media player\web browser, but using groundbreaking new technology it will also baby sit your kids, drive you to work, cure cancer, bring peace between the Palestinians and Israelis, find out who killed Kennedy and force Take That into another retirement. All that plus, get this; it will include a special mobile edition of Facebook especially for iPhone users! Just think, you can check who wrote on your wall on the way to work! Yaaaay!